My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
You Might Also Like
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.