*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
it was love at first sight
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”