I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song