Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description