The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.