Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
At least my masseuse has my back.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!