Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
crying
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another