My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Blew out my flip flop…
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer