My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Going into Monday like
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.