My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?