(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
At least try to make it slightly believable
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*