An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Monica just destroyed the internet
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.