Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.