My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
synchronized noseblowing
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Am I having a stroke?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean