Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Okay, I’m still confused…
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
relationship goals
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
😂😂
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.