What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
How do you milk an almond?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*