My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.