Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Nose
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
somebody come look at this
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.