Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.