Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?