1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.