Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
did it work
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
sin harder.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.