To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’