Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect