Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.