Damn what did I do next
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I finally found a reason to live again.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire