[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.