Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
What do you hear?
Camping tip: No.
Great acting.. 😂
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
So glad we cleared that up
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU