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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.