Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You Might Also Like
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
oh my god
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses