I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…