A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese