My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
A game married people play.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
i will not be silenced
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Yes