Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.