I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
my professor scared me for a second
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.