It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
why no one uses midhusbands
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The three genders
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Finally a use for spoilers…
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.