When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.