My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.