I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.