I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Guantanamo Bae
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now