OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.