Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
there’s probably a fee though
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.