Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Storm Tropical Storm
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
incredible
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.