person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You Might Also Like
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Why I divorced her.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.