when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Lmao the reply
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.