***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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Who says great literature is dead?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.