Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My new favorite headline
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets