Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You Might Also Like
live, laugh, laundry.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
This is true.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted