My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp