Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.